October is my month and I’m going to do it right. Goodbye most of you turmblr followers. Though a few of you will be getting my new address soon. :)
I’ve been at this therapy thing for a little now, taking the time to open up. I live in a constant state of numbness where at best I get two fleeting moments of feeling weather that he good or bad is all up to the gods. Bad things happen and it doesn’t affec me past the moment itself. These things SHOULD bother me, they SHOULD hurt me. It became an alarming reality that something was very wrong. Living day by day stuffing your sadnesses deep inside just so you can keep moving along is not living. Not feeling pain is keeping me from feeling happiness. There is no room to take in any kinds of emotion. I’m already filled with anger and tears.
I have to open up and start allowing myself to feel the feelings I do even though the moment I open that gate tears poor out without warning or coherent reasoning because there are a million reasons all at once pushing against my being to finally be released. I have been so desperately trying to find in others compassion to help me a bit in the process of moving on, and moving a long but in every space and every case I have been shut down or judged. Why, I’m not entirely sure. I asked one to just listen so I could express myself and feel safe in trusting another to accept how I feel and what I am goin through, I asked another to assure me that they would stay by my side even if thugs did get difficult. That it was worth a bit of trouble to see me through to my recovery and have me still by their side then. I asked another for answers and trust to help let go of a suffering I bare heavily everyday and while their was no reason to distrust me with facts that could be found in newspapers and obituaries, and finally I asked for a chance at closure, at a forgiveness I knew I wouldn’t recieve and an acknowledgement that who I am now is okay and that this version of me who killed the old was free of the sins of its predecessor at least on a trial basis to prove itself of its own merit. A good merit.
I don’t speak to the first person. They would rather not hear my thoughts unless they be entertaining, the second guarantees nothing more than tomorrow with the assurance that Me and my recovery are NOT worth the trouble. The third assured me that I am not worthy of her compassion because while though we are suffering from the same great pain I am a stranger and that makes me guilty of being a bad person potentially the worst the world has to offer. The fourth fully tied it all together for me. They do not want to hear anything from me that is related to the seriousness of the underlying situation. I am not worth the risk or trouble to attempt to reach out and understand, I am not worthy of compassion or the potential relief of my burdens through freedom because who I was often lacked compassion for them though I refuse to lower to the level of pointing out the hurt that was paid to me as well as justification for why I should be considered for a simple chat.
I’m searching to be better but at every turn I find homes I trusted to keep me safe and warm collapsed like a teepee and moved to house another. And doors that I thought may let me enter shut vigorously on my body shattering bone to math the shattered soul.
Know this is just the beginning and it is bound to be hard but I am starting to wonder if Inwill find a shred of evidence that this world truly is good and giving and compassionate? Or will I hurt to finally lose the last of faith and see the earth for what it is, bodies decaying from the inside while the fires of being set the world a blaze, that he’ll is here and surely I was placed in one of the deeper circles of suck.
I don’t know if I want this anymore. Maybe it’s time to start all over again. No connections to any past and be the new me who no longer has such a fierce completion against the monster of year long ago in order to prove its worth.
Or maybe I will keep the numbness cuz this.
This just flat out hurts every step of the way and it’s only getting worse.
I came in. Told you I needed space to myself. I’ve had a lot of things going on and wanted a minute to process. You told me I better go to sleep tonight and Harper on how I should get my meds adjusted. I let you in on the fact that THEY DON’T FUCKING WORK ANYMORE! So you leave and then you come back and harp on needing to go get meds and to see the dr. I tell you I can’t afford that right now monetarily or mentally. So you leave then you come back AGAIN and tell me I need to get diagnosed and quickly. I tell you. A) I can’t afford that and B) I’m already overwhelmed with things and need to process it all. So you leave and come back a THIRD time telling me to go see that douchebag that couldn’t remember the name of the source of my pain. It’s four letters write it down! And then you tell me at least I know he can get me the. Ed’s and it’s all a circle. Leave me the fuck alone! Let me get to my first therapy session. Let me even just take my boots off from my day. Did you not here me tell you I needed a minute alone! Yes I snapped! Cus like always you just won’t shut up when nessacary.
Kirara by NinjaGirlSango on We Heart It. http://weheartit.com/entry/10432122